Originally Posted On beatchuckie.blogspot.com August 14, 2018
Author: Wings
Since we got two new entrants into the league and some of us have terrible issues remembering things from too much partying, I think some context would be awesome to get everyone up to speed on who are the heroes, villains, jokes, beefs and colluders are. I’ll be starting from the top of last season’s standings down to the abyss. All photos are totally representative of what we look like now.
#1
Johnathon J. Cassidy a.k.a the Commissioner a.k.a Cheatin’ Chuck
Last season’s finish: (11-3), #1 Seed, Back2Back Champion
Claim to fame: Has had as many fantasy championships as girlfriends in his career and is a true Boston sports fan despite never having lived there. Embraces the arrogant winning bastard stereotype to a T, will probably start cheering for Philly teams once Brady retires.
Plans for Fantasy Winnings: A Supreme sticker for his toilet
Recap: Chuckie’s run to the championship was easy to see. The fact he drafted Lev Bell, Zeke, Gurley and Kareem Hunt probably goes down as one of the best RB drafts last season. With plenty of pieces to deal, he traded off Zeke and Hunt in the preseason and then chose to do his last two with his Brother Joe. While the first was inconsequential, the second attempt at trading caused outrage in the league chat. In the span of one day three trades were attempted and vetoed after bitter arguments between the league, Chuck and Joe. Basically we didnt want Chuck building a super team by adding Antonio Brown and Melvin Gordon. The saddest thing of it all is that in the end Chuck got AB, but that was irrelevant because Todd Fucking Gurleyproceeded to go apeshit both weeks of the Playoffs… nobody stood a chance. Here Chuck stands as champ and is ready to take care of business again.
BIGGEST STORYLINE: Chuckie is the Vladimir Putin of the league. The love child of Roger Goodell and Pat Patriot with a dash of Kevin Durant. He’s loud and proud about kicking ass and taking names and sources close to me tell me he is NOT WORRIED about losing in the ship this season because he’ll be drafting Leveon Bell. Accusations of cheating/collusion/being a bitch ass don’t sweat him cause he laughs to the bank at the end of the season. Anything less of securing his dynasty would be failure and make us all laugh.
#2
Jonathan “Hurtado” Hurtado a.k.a Johnny Boy
Last Season’s Finish: 10-4, Runner Up
Claim to Fame: Living in Boston has deteriorated Jonathan’s intelligence to the point where he literally Venmo’d Chuck after so many warnings not to.
Plans for Fantasy Winnings: A down payment for an engagement ring
another expensive electronic item from Best Buy.
Recap: A Tragedy in 3 Acts.
ACT I- Despite a crappy draft with Jay Ajayi and Amari Cooper being his Rd 2 and 3 picks, Jonathan had a fantastic opening to the season and kicked Chuckie’s ass by 90 points.
ACT II- When his top picks started to shit the bed, he was able to trade his crappy assets for Deandre Hopkins and Jerick McKinnon for the second half (RIP Anthony) and striking waiver wire gold with Alvin Kamara. He then blew out Chuckie again by 70 points for a sweep.
ACT III- RIP Jonathan, murdered in cold blood by Todd Gurley in the championship. lulz.
BIGGEST STORYLINE: Hurtado is the bride from Kill Bill. Revenge is what motivates him and what keeps his desire for fantasy dominance alive. Hurtado was left for dead at the wedding with a fantasy championship, but he has come back with the desire to beat Chuckie in a playoff game once and for all and get the chubby monkey off of his back. If he wins though, me may be even more of an insufferable cunt than Chuck.. idk who I’d root for in a repeat of the championship.
#3
Joeseph Cassidy f.k.a. Fat Jesus n.k.a To Catch A Predator
Last Season’s Finish: 8-6, Third Place
Claim to Fame: Chuck’s brother who shaved his beard after someone said he looked like a Filipino Post Malone. Hasn’t paid league dues in years. A huge fan of the Steelers although he seems to love to trade them away to help his brother win.
Plans for Fantasy Winnings: A scarf to hide his jawline now that it is exposed.
Recap: Joe had a roller coaster season behind a roller coaster production from his running backs in Leonard Fournette and Melvin Gordon. Despite multiple win and loss streaks, weak competition outside of the top 2 meant Joe had easily clinched a spot in the dance after a 4 game win streak to close out the season, but was immediately eaten alive in the playoffs. Joe is also the subject of controversy for trade-gate with Chuckie, but since he lost nobody pays real attention to that.
BIGGEST STORYLINE: Joe is in probably the shittiest storyline of the league. He’s the Donald Trump of our league: both are accused of conspiring with an evil dictator, both are shady when it comes to paying their debts, and both say really stupid shit when they speak. Joe didn’t do any favors shaving the beard either. If Joe wants to win the respect of the league, he has to betray his brother and join the resistance. We won’t rag on you if you collude with our side.
#4
Roberto Alvarez a.k.a. Big Beefy Beto
Last Season’s Finish: 8-6, Fourth Place
Claim to Fame: Winner of worst best fantasy team name of 2017 with “SikDik69ers”
Plans for Fantasy Winnings: This tattoo
Recap: Roberto benefitted from a trash bottom half of the league to take his team into the playoffs as a 4 seed, where he was irrelevantly bounced by the eventual champ and then rolled over in the third place match.
BIGGEST STORYLINE: Make playoffs again and get to know his commish better so he can write more and clown on him more. And figure out how to make everyone in the league stop hating him (try putting a shirt on you’re making the 3 other dudes on this blog look pathetic with the pecs).